Thursday, July 8, 2010

I Have No Idea

I don't know what I'm doing with my life, my job is just something I do to pay the bills and I only have that because it's my parents business so its the only thing I've ever done. I've been finding myself more and more in a sad and lonesome state of mind. I can usually keep it at bay when I'm around people or keep my mind busy reading or watching movies but when I'm alone (which I usually am) and allow myself to think about my life its like a swirling vortex down into a deep dark hole. A couple of days ago my Mom started talking about me taking some college classes and when I started on my usual habit of evading she informed me that she knew that I was unhappy and I needed to do something else with my life. I went on- line to look at courses that are night classes or online because hey still have to pay the bills and I found myself completely overwhelmed. How can I decide on anything when the one and only thing I do want to do is something that I haven't been able to find yet in my life. I just can't see myself spending the time and money getting a degree on something I'll never use or hate doing for the rest of my life. I've never had a desire to have a certain career not even as a child. All my life all I've ever wanted was to have a family of my own and I know I know my time will come, it will happen soon, the guy for me has to be someone special and worthy enough so when he is I'll meet him; I've heard them all. Not wanting a career or even a higher education is a very sad thing to admit. I don't know why I don't feel that desire to better myself in all things. When people talk about their degrees and all these plans they have for their lives I just get a feeling of worthlessness that I don't have at lease some kind of ambition. When I look at myself all I see is a 30 year old woman who has only had one job in her entire life, took only a couple of semesters in a community college before giving up, never been in any kind of a relationship, spends almost all of her free time either alone or with her family members who I love and probably the only reason I do go to the wards activites is because I'm on the activity commity and its my calling. Which not only has it gotten me out of the house it has helped me make some friends which is almost unheard of for me to do. I do have a wonderful family that I love so much but even in my big and noisy family I still feel alone sometimes its just a different kind of alone. I know that I am a very lucky person and my life it full of blessing and I am thankful for each and every one of them but sometimes its hard to get past that dark place and see them.


(I cried almost the whole time I was writing this but I think it was something I needed to get off my chest. I tend to let things build inside until I just explode which I've done a few time this past month so hopefully writing this down even though it was a little embarrassing to admit to some of this stuff will help me to get over this down feeling I've been having latley. At the moment I do feel better then I have in quit a while so that's always a good sign.)

4 comments:

Todd, Lara and Aubrey said...

Jen,

Don't be embarrassed at all! Life is dang hard. I understand that helpless feeling. It is hard for me to get out of my comfort zone too. I think that if I wasn't a teacher, I would not meet any new people at all. I have no friends in my ward and I hang out with family all of the time too. Keep trying, life will get better. As Maria says "It's the year of the Jen, I can just feel it!"

Jake, Maria, Davis & Daphne said...

I just read your blog and I am trying not to cry because I don't want Karen to think I'm a baby. All I can say is ...You can do it! You have so much life to live and there is so much to do out there. Dive master, Master Chef, the sky is the limit. I love you girl and will be here to help you any way I can.

Jann said...

I think that took an amazing amount of courage to write. I think one of the biggest things women do is to compare themselves to others. It is so destructive too. I have to remind myself that I am comparing my worst with others best, and that is not fair. I think it is wonderful that you have worked and gotten a home and a life for yourself. I have never done that on my own. I think you are amazing.

jennifer said...

Hi Jennifer, I came across your blog simply because we have the same name. I was compelled to read your latest entry and although I don't know you, and probably because I don't know you, I'd like to comment objectively about what I read. Firstly, you had stated that you don't know what career path you want to go down; however, further in your blog you stated about going to "the ward" and doing that because that's your "CALLING." BOOM, right there you're acknowledging an activity that brings you pleasure and fulfillment. I don't know what going to the ward entails but I'd like to suggest looking into making this into a livelihood. I know for myself that if I found something that engaged all levels of my being, then I would seek to explore making this my career calling.
Best of luck,
Jennifer Lee Davis