I don't know what I'm doing with my life, my job is just something I do to pay the bills and I only have that because it's my parents business so its the only thing I've ever done. I've been finding myself more and more in a sad and lonesome state of mind. I can usually keep it at bay when I'm around people or keep my mind busy reading or watching movies but when I'm alone (which I usually am) and allow myself to think about my life its like a swirling vortex down into a deep dark hole. A couple of days ago my Mom started talking about me taking some college classes and when I started on my usual habit of evading she informed me that she knew that I was unhappy and I needed to do something else with my life. I went on- line to look at courses that are night classes or online because hey still have to pay the bills and I found myself completely overwhelmed. How can I decide on anything when the one and only thing I do want to do is something that I haven't been able to find yet in my life. I just can't see myself spending the time and money getting a degree on something I'll never use or hate doing for the rest of my life. I've never had a desire to have a certain career not even as a child. All my life all I've ever wanted was to have a family of my own and I know I know my time will come, it will happen soon, the guy for me has to be someone special and worthy enough so when he is I'll meet him; I've heard them all. Not wanting a career or even a higher education is a very sad thing to admit. I don't know why I don't feel that desire to better myself in all things. When people talk about their degrees and all these plans they have for their lives I just get a feeling of worthlessness that I don't have at lease some kind of ambition. When I look at myself all I see is a 30 year old woman who has only had one job in her entire life, took only a couple of semesters in a community college before giving up, never been in any kind of a relationship, spends almost all of her free time either alone or with her family members who I love and probably the only reason I do go to the wards activites is because I'm on the activity commity and its my calling. Which not only has it gotten me out of the house it has helped me make some friends which is almost unheard of for me to do. I do have a wonderful family that I love so much but even in my big and noisy family I still feel alone sometimes its just a different kind of alone. I know that I am a very lucky person and my life it full of blessing and I am thankful for each and every one of them but sometimes its hard to get past that dark place and see them.
(I cried almost the whole time I was writing this but I think it was something I needed to get off my chest. I tend to let things build inside until I just explode which I've done a few time this past month so hopefully writing this down even though it was a little embarrassing to admit to some of this stuff will help me to get over this down feeling I've been having latley. At the moment I do feel better then I have in quit a while so that's always a good sign.)