I Have No Idea

I don't know what I'm doing with my life, my job is just something I do to pay the bills and I only have that because it's my parents business so its the only thing I've ever done. I've been finding myself more and more in a sad and lonesome state of mind. I can usually keep it at bay when I'm around people or keep my mind busy reading or watching movies but when I'm alone (which I usually am) and allow myself to think about my life its like a swirling vortex down into a deep dark hole. A couple of days ago my Mom started talking about me taking some college classes and when I started on my usual habit of evading she informed me that she knew that I was unhappy and I needed to do something else with my life. I went on- line to look at courses that are night classes or online because hey still have to pay the bills and I found myself completely overwhelmed. How can I decide on anything when the one and only thing I do want to do is something that I haven't been able to find yet in my life. I just can't see myself spending the time and money getting a degree on something I'll never use or hate doing for the rest of my life. I've never had a desire to have a certain career not even as a child. All my life all I've ever wanted was to have a family of my own and I know I know my time will come, it will happen soon, the guy for me has to be someone special and worthy enough so when he is I'll meet him; I've heard them all. Not wanting a career or even a higher education is a very sad thing to admit. I don't know why I don't feel that desire to better myself in all things. When people talk about their degrees and all these plans they have for their lives I just get a feeling of worthlessness that I don't have at lease some kind of ambition. When I look at myself all I see is a 30 year old woman who has only had one job in her entire life, took only a couple of semesters in a community college before giving up, never been in any kind of a relationship, spends almost all of her free time either alone or with her family members who I love and probably the only reason I do go to the wards activites is because I'm on the activity commity and its my calling. Which not only has it gotten me out of the house it has helped me make some friends which is almost unheard of for me to do. I do have a wonderful family that I love so much but even in my big and noisy family I still feel alone sometimes its just a different kind of alone. I know that I am a very lucky person and my life it full of blessing and I am thankful for each and every one of them but sometimes its hard to get past that dark place and see them.


(I cried almost the whole time I was writing this but I think it was something I needed to get off my chest. I tend to let things build inside until I just explode which I've done a few time this past month so hopefully writing this down even though it was a little embarrassing to admit to some of this stuff will help me to get over this down feeling I've been having latley. At the moment I do feel better then I have in quit a while so that's always a good sign.)

2010

Well some things have changed in my life. I turned 30 at the end of Feb. which was hard for me, you know the whole not married yet thing that I'm sure many single people in the church goes through. A couple of weeks after my birthday Maria and Jake (the best cousins ever by the way) threw me the best birthday dinner, they invited about twelve people and we had a seven course meal in their back yard which they decorate beautifully. I had such a great time and am so thankful for the time and effort that they put into it. I also went through the Temple for my own endowments and a lot of family members showed up for that which I found really special. I am so thankful for my family and all the love and support I get from them. I am a truly blessed person even though sometimes I can feel sorry for myself, but that never lasts long because there is always someone there to get me out of my funk. So thank you to all my funk breakers and know that I love and appreciate you all.

This Years Progresive Dinner

This year for our progressive dinner we started at James and Treana's house, everyone showed up between 6:00 and 6:30 on Wed. evening. Wendi was so funny she just could not stand it and had to do Sadies hair before we could start. As we sat around eating salad the people at the end of the benches (mostly it was Aaron but who would be surprised by that, Ben tryed to but no one payed much attention to him) threatened to stand up so everyone else would tip over and end up on the floor. Next we headed to my house for ham and twice baked potatos which was awsome if I do say so myself ;-). Of corse me being the greatest aunt in the world I got lighted Christmas cups full of candy for all my neices and nephews, you can thank me later parents. On to Aaron and Julie's we went to have dessert which was a smorgus borg of goodness, I think I could feel the sugar coma coming on. We end at Mom and Dad's house were we each got a little flash light so we could make stars in the sky (by shinning them onto the ceiling) while my dad sat by the fire and read the birth of Chris in the Bible. Which made a perfect ending to this fun family night, I love family traditions.

Wow That Hurt

On Tuesday the 13th I finally broke down around 3:00 AM and called my parents to ask for them to come out and have my dad give me a blessing, you see I was having the most horrid pain in my stomach that just would not go away. It had happen before about four times in the last year but this time it just seemed to not be getting better and I kept having a strong feeling that I needed to call someone for help. When my parents finally got there they decided I need to go to the ER so away we went. That was the longest drive ever, it took about 35 mins to get there and I had to be sitting which caused the pain to be so much worse. (I don't think I had sat down for more then a few seconds that whole night.) We finally got to the hospital were they took an ultra sound of my stomach and found that I had developed gall stones which means that my gall bladder has to come out if I don't want to go through that pain again. They put me on a special diet so that my gall bladder won't start up again which is basically I cant have any fat, most meats, eggs or dairy. It is amazing to realize how much those things are in our diets when you cant have them. If anyone has any ideas on some meals I would appreciate it, I'm finding it a little hard thinking up stuff to make. I did hear from the hospital yesterday and my surgery is scheduled for the 30th of this month. I actually cant wait for this to be over so I can get on with my life. I have lost some weight but I'm also dealing with headaches and other stomach problems associated with such a dramatic change to my diet. It might sound weird but the 30th really couldn't come to soon for me.

Fine I'll Do It

Jake and Maria told me that I needed to do another blog, when I told them nothing had changed in my life they pointed out some things to wright about, not very exiting but here it goes.

For of those of you that don't know I go to a single adult ward so because of that it takes me 15 to 20 mins to get to the church house. So there I am walking into the chapel about 5 mins before its supposed to start and no one is there, the sounds a crickets played through my head, so I go back into the hall and all the things in the bulletin board for the ward is gone, no name plates by the bishops door, nothing. It was like a weired dream were the city had been evacuated and no one thought to inform you. So I take the 20 min trip back home so I can get onto the wards web sight to see what the heck, after about half an hour of resigning up I finally get to the sight and find that as of today my ward is meeting at a different time and place. I now know ware but not quite sure when, there are two different starting times listed on the sight so I guess next Sunday I'll have to go to both and see when my ward actually does start. Now because I ended not going to church I was able to call Maria and Jake and go over to their house a couple for hours early because of this little mix up. I had made some zuppa toscacca soup yesterday and Maria wanted to try it so I took it over and we had a fun time just hanging out. Davis is one funny little guy, he's not even one yet and he is climbing onto chairs and then onto the kitchen table, gets into absolutely everything and he thinks that every one is his personal jumble gym. Thanks guys for a fun evening, Oh and Jake the grass in your back yard look fabulous (Maria thinks he's abscessing about it, he's watered it three times today, but he's supposed to keep it wet right Jake. ;-)

How Do People Do It?

Warning: The following Blog Has A Pour Me Theme Read at Your Own Risk!!!!

Tonight I had my first institute class in a very long time. I'm taking The Teachings of Modern Prophets. The lesson was absolutely wonderful and I know I am going to enjoy the rest of the semester but it is the social aspect that is killing me. For those of you who don't know me, talking to people is not one of my strong points. I have a hard time having a conversation with some of my relatives, even the ones I see all the time, let alone with a perfect stranger but I am trying. I do go up to people and introduce myself and ask them questions but it seems no matter what I do, say or how hard I push myself past my shyness and be myself I just can't seem to connect with anyone. Its the same at church, during the talks and lessons I' m good but in between when people are talking and making plans to get together later on in the week I'm the one sitting by myself not talking to anyone. In relief society when a sister will get up and say what a wonderful ward it is and how everyone made her feel so welcome, I get a little sad because I've never had that happen to me. How do people do it, to go into a room full of perfect strangers and be able to get accepted like they've always been there. Some times it does make it hard to go to church or any other activities. I just wished I had that ability to make new friends that I actually go out and did things with, not just acquaintances that you talk to for a few minutes at church once a week and only if you run into them. I guess that's just one more thing I'll just have to keep working on.

What A Week

This has been a pretty buzy week. James and Treana FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!! got a home of their very own (my parents are jumping for joy). I went over there on Saturday to help paint and spent 6hrs. on the floor doing trim work, it was quit a sight, me on the floor scooting around that house. It looks very nice, white walls with a brown trim (its a lot better then the bright baby blue that they started to paint it, they will forever be in your dept mom for that much needed advice.) They are still working on the finishing touches today but we hope to start moving them in tonight. Sunday I went over to Maria and Jake's house for dinner of Hawaiian hay stacks (pot luck) and ribs, different compo but it was realy good. Sunday night I did get sick around 3:00am and stayed home on Monday (that is the only reason I will forgive the lack of an invite to Jake's birthday party at Organ Stop, I'm sure it just got lost somewhere, ya that had to be it :} LOL) Last few days I've just been trying to feel better so I can help move the little beggars :} from my parents house, pour mom is about a day behind me in the sick department so she should start feeling better day, we are quite a sorry pair can't seem to get well and stay well. Next weeks project is to clean Mom and Dad's house of the mess that two babies can make in a year and a half, please wish we luck we're going to need it.

Can't Sleep

OK some of my neighbors decided that it would be a good idea to start the 4th. a little early last night. And of course because they were so loud Sammy decided that the only thing to do was to join in and bark at them. I finally got up and let her in so she would knock it off. So there I was on the brink of falling asleep around 2:00AM when for no apparent reason flashes of my little farm on Farm Town on facebook starts to flash through my head (thanks a lot Julie) I don't know why it just was, then I started to itch. I so hate that filling, so I finally got up about 3:00AM and took a bath hopeing to get relaxed enough to get a least a couple hours of sleep. I think a finnaly fell asleep around 4:00 and got up at 6:00 to get ready for work. So if any of you have to deal with me today and I'm a little mean you can blame it on my neighbors, Sammy, Julie (for getting me hook on Farm Town) and a weird case of the itches.

What The Heck

For those of you on face book you might have noticed that I mentioned having weird dreams lately. I usually don't remember them but the one I had last night just seemed to stick with me. I was married and my husband turned out to be a werewolf, but he didn't look like a scary monster werewolf he looked like a plain old wolf. I never saw him as a human just as a wolf but I still knew he was my husband. I was trying to catch him because he had escaped in a store like a Wal Mart or something. So there I was running around in this store calling here Wolfie Wolfie, as I caught glimpses of him as he was evading some weird looking hunter that was trying to shoot him. My alarm went off about this time so I don't know what happened but I have never had so many dreams in a row before, and even though I don't remeber the other ones I do know that this one was be far not the weirdest one I've had. Maybe my subconsese is trying to tell me something or I'm eating to much sugar but what ever it is I hope it ends soon because I got to tell you I am not sleeping well and am exausted.

Were Have You Been

I know its been over a month... its just that my life doesn't change. I get up, go to work, go home, rarely go out what a life If your falling asleep now I don't blame you I am to. I started painting my house last night that's something new. Creig invited me to go to church with him on Sunday to the 30 to 45 age group. It was funny when he asked my to go and he found out how old I was and that he has been dating girls young then me... what a face he made. Anywho maybe I'll meet my one true love and finally have something to talk about (only reason to get married right, to have something to put on my blog...LOL)

TV Problems

Last week while watching cable on my LCD it suddenly went blank and a message appeared saying Unusable Connection, I tried using both my DVD player and my Wii but no luck, same message. Both of my Basic Connections are not working so yesterday I get this bright idea to use the Advanced Connections which you have to use two different cords with, so off I go to Best Buy to pick them up, $60.00 later I get home to reconnect my TV. Finally I get a nice bright pitcher (even though I had to connect everything to the DVD player to watch cable and play on the Wii) but thats OK the only problem is that there is NO SOUND.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am now completely out of ideas, don't you just hate technology sometimes.

Ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so happy:} I've finally got my car back from the auto shop, it is looking and running like new. For those of you that don't know I was in a car crash on Feb 9 and my poor car was crunched. I have been driving a retail that smelled like cigees for over three weeks. Poor, Poor pitiful me but now its back and I can be happy once more. LOL

Dot... Dot... Dot...

This is for all you Bloggers who have seen Mamma Mia.

In the beginning of the film there is a song called Honey Honey and if you have seen this movie you will know what dot... dot... dot... means. Now the woman in my family love this movie so it is played a lot at my mom's house. Well my little niece Anna loves music, so she enjoys this movie and all the songs she can dance to. Well today I was out with my mom and Anna and what do I hear in the back seat but my little 21 month old niece who by the way DOES NOT TALK saying dot... dot... dot... it was the funniest thing I have ever heard. I would have to say that the movie is played way to much at that house.

My Family

Last Sunday Maria, Jake and all her family came over and we here able to get our family pitchers taken. We were not sure it would happen because Wendi's dad had died from cancer on Saturday and we didn't know if she would be up to it. I guess she needed to get out so her and Ben made it out (grandma and grandpa were watching the kids at the time). Today we went to the funeral to support Wendi and Ben, it was a beautiful service and it was a comfort to have a reminder that we can be together forever and that is world is not the end and we will see our loved ones that have passed before us. I am thankful for this knowledge and for my family.

What a day

Today started out like any other day, I went to work answered the phones but around 3:00PM it all went honorably wrong. OK pitcher this, my mom comes over to the office to store some Christmas gifts so we start to take them into the back shop which has a separate door from the main shop, as we walk through that door it slams shut behind us and we find that it is locked and the only way out of that room is into the yard. If you ever been there you will know that the yard of the office is surrounded by tall fences with barbed wire on the top. So there we are locked in the back with out a phone and no way to get out. After a while of yelling, ( and laughing I have to admit) trying to get the attention of our neighbors and moaning every time the phone range we knew that the only way out of there if no one came was to try to climb the fence (yea the one with the barbed wire) there's this one section by the gate (which is pad locked by the way) that it might be possible to climb over if your not afraid of falling and braking every bone in your body which is the though that ran through my head as I stood (it was really a crouch) on the top bar (yes that top bar in the pitcher) and looked over the fence and tried to get the nerve up to try to climb down the fence which had plastic covers run through the links. As I was up there contemplating my early demise someone pulled up to the business across the street, we were able to get her attention and she went through the office (which the front door was wide open taunting us) and open the shop door. After a lot of thanks yous and laughter we were no long prisoners in our own back yard. So THANK YOU kind stranger and never go any were without your keys and a cell phone.

A new one has bite the blogger dust

Last night Julie (my sister - in - law) finally caved under pressure and started a blog. She came over today and I showed her a few things but if you look at her blog you can see that she has taken off on the whole blogger experience. Julie does the most amazing scrape books so I knew that she would be good at this. I told her it was like scape booking but on the computer. Julie welcome to the blogger family and I cant wait to see what you do with it.

Tale of the TV

Today when I got to work low and behold there was a television on the front porch. It looked like someone had had a little party right there in front of our building. I called all the guys to see if anyone know about it but it still stayed a mystery. So I called the police department just in case the thing was stolen they sent an officer out to pick it up and away it went to its new home at the Apache Junction Police Department.

Fall Is Hard To Do

On Saturday evening I went with my mom and sister - in - law Julie to pick up my grandma so we could all go to Deseret Book, I guess they have this huge sale and door prizes during presthood meeting. As we were coming out of my grandma's town house they have about four really steep steps and I wasn't watching were I was going and took a tumble down them. I landed on my left side and couldn't move for a while. As the night wour on I just kept getting more stiff and sore, by Sunday I could baring move. I am feeling a little bit better today but I"m still sore and my left hip and ankle ack but all in all I'm pretty lucky that I didn't brake something. So if you ever find yourself on a porch and you think you have enough room around you take my advice turn around before you move don't step backwardes.

I Know

I'm a terrible blogger, they have become few and far between. My life is just the same as always, it seems like nothing ever changes. It is nice having Maria and Jake living so close now even though we see each other the same amount as when they lived 45 min. away. They did come over to my house on Monday for labor day and we had hamburgers and played some games with Laura, Aubrey, Lyle and Katie which was a fun way to spend the day. My family is doing well though business is slow and we don't really have anything to do, so the guys are building an addition onto our shop to raise the market valve on it, always thinking ahead. We half joke with each other about getting seconds jobs, but if thing don't start picking up we just might have to. Lets say we cant wait for the winter visitors to come back and for this election to be over so people will stop hording their money and thinking they can live with that leak or that slow drain. We've survived slow time before and I'm sure we will again it's just nerve racking as its happening. We just cross our fingers and say our prayers and everything usually turns out fine, sometimes with unexpected blessings.

4th. of July

Sorry it's been so long since my last blog. Nothing new has really happened to me. This year for the 4th my family went to go see Kung Fu Panda it was so funny even my dad laughed through it and if you know my dad he hates cartoons. Later on in the evening we all met at our office building for hot dogs, fireworks and one major water fight. We all got soaking wet but it was a lot of fun. We are able to see fireworks from the office so we don't have to fight any crowds. Its a nice way to do it.