I Have No Idea

I don't know what I'm doing with my life, my job is just something I do to pay the bills and I only have that because it's my parents business so its the only thing I've ever done. I've been finding myself more and more in a sad and lonesome state of mind. I can usually keep it at bay when I'm around people or keep my mind busy reading or watching movies but when I'm alone (which I usually am) and allow myself to think about my life its like a swirling vortex down into a deep dark hole. A couple of days ago my Mom started talking about me taking some college classes and when I started on my usual habit of evading she informed me that she knew that I was unhappy and I needed to do something else with my life. I went on- line to look at courses that are night classes or online because hey still have to pay the bills and I found myself completely overwhelmed. How can I decide on anything when the one and only thing I do want to do is something that I haven't been able to find yet in my life. I just can't see myself spending the time and money getting a degree on something I'll never use or hate doing for the rest of my life. I've never had a desire to have a certain career not even as a child. All my life all I've ever wanted was to have a family of my own and I know I know my time will come, it will happen soon, the guy for me has to be someone special and worthy enough so when he is I'll meet him; I've heard them all. Not wanting a career or even a higher education is a very sad thing to admit. I don't know why I don't feel that desire to better myself in all things. When people talk about their degrees and all these plans they have for their lives I just get a feeling of worthlessness that I don't have at lease some kind of ambition. When I look at myself all I see is a 30 year old woman who has only had one job in her entire life, took only a couple of semesters in a community college before giving up, never been in any kind of a relationship, spends almost all of her free time either alone or with her family members who I love and probably the only reason I do go to the wards activites is because I'm on the activity commity and its my calling. Which not only has it gotten me out of the house it has helped me make some friends which is almost unheard of for me to do. I do have a wonderful family that I love so much but even in my big and noisy family I still feel alone sometimes its just a different kind of alone. I know that I am a very lucky person and my life it full of blessing and I am thankful for each and every one of them but sometimes its hard to get past that dark place and see them.


(I cried almost the whole time I was writing this but I think it was something I needed to get off my chest. I tend to let things build inside until I just explode which I've done a few time this past month so hopefully writing this down even though it was a little embarrassing to admit to some of this stuff will help me to get over this down feeling I've been having latley. At the moment I do feel better then I have in quit a while so that's always a good sign.)

2010

Well some things have changed in my life. I turned 30 at the end of Feb. which was hard for me, you know the whole not married yet thing that I'm sure many single people in the church goes through. A couple of weeks after my birthday Maria and Jake (the best cousins ever by the way) threw me the best birthday dinner, they invited about twelve people and we had a seven course meal in their back yard which they decorate beautifully. I had such a great time and am so thankful for the time and effort that they put into it. I also went through the Temple for my own endowments and a lot of family members showed up for that which I found really special. I am so thankful for my family and all the love and support I get from them. I am a truly blessed person even though sometimes I can feel sorry for myself, but that never lasts long because there is always someone there to get me out of my funk. So thank you to all my funk breakers and know that I love and appreciate you all.

This Years Progresive Dinner

This year for our progressive dinner we started at James and Treana's house, everyone showed up between 6:00 and 6:30 on Wed. evening. Wendi was so funny she just could not stand it and had to do Sadies hair before we could start. As we sat around eating salad the people at the end of the benches (mostly it was Aaron but who would be surprised by that, Ben tryed to but no one payed much attention to him) threatened to stand up so everyone else would tip over and end up on the floor. Next we headed to my house for ham and twice baked potatos which was awsome if I do say so myself ;-). Of corse me being the greatest aunt in the world I got lighted Christmas cups full of candy for all my neices and nephews, you can thank me later parents. On to Aaron and Julie's we went to have dessert which was a smorgus borg of goodness, I think I could feel the sugar coma coming on. We end at Mom and Dad's house were we each got a little flash light so we could make stars in the sky (by shinning them onto the ceiling) while my dad sat by the fire and read the birth of Chris in the Bible. Which made a perfect ending to this fun family night, I love family traditions.

Wow That Hurt

On Tuesday the 13th I finally broke down around 3:00 AM and called my parents to ask for them to come out and have my dad give me a blessing, you see I was having the most horrid pain in my stomach that just would not go away. It had happen before about four times in the last year but this time it just seemed to not be getting better and I kept having a strong feeling that I needed to call someone for help. When my parents finally got there they decided I need to go to the ER so away we went. That was the longest drive ever, it took about 35 mins to get there and I had to be sitting which caused the pain to be so much worse. (I don't think I had sat down for more then a few seconds that whole night.) We finally got to the hospital were they took an ultra sound of my stomach and found that I had developed gall stones which means that my gall bladder has to come out if I don't want to go through that pain again. They put me on a special diet so that my gall bladder won't start up again which is basically I cant have any fat, most meats, eggs or dairy. It is amazing to realize how much those things are in our diets when you cant have them. If anyone has any ideas on some meals I would appreciate it, I'm finding it a little hard thinking up stuff to make. I did hear from the hospital yesterday and my surgery is scheduled for the 30th of this month. I actually cant wait for this to be over so I can get on with my life. I have lost some weight but I'm also dealing with headaches and other stomach problems associated with such a dramatic change to my diet. It might sound weird but the 30th really couldn't come to soon for me.

Fine I'll Do It

Jake and Maria told me that I needed to do another blog, when I told them nothing had changed in my life they pointed out some things to wright about, not very exiting but here it goes.

For of those of you that don't know I go to a single adult ward so because of that it takes me 15 to 20 mins to get to the church house. So there I am walking into the chapel about 5 mins before its supposed to start and no one is there, the sounds a crickets played through my head, so I go back into the hall and all the things in the bulletin board for the ward is gone, no name plates by the bishops door, nothing. It was like a weired dream were the city had been evacuated and no one thought to inform you. So I take the 20 min trip back home so I can get onto the wards web sight to see what the heck, after about half an hour of resigning up I finally get to the sight and find that as of today my ward is meeting at a different time and place. I now know ware but not quite sure when, there are two different starting times listed on the sight so I guess next Sunday I'll have to go to both and see when my ward actually does start. Now because I ended not going to church I was able to call Maria and Jake and go over to their house a couple for hours early because of this little mix up. I had made some zuppa toscacca soup yesterday and Maria wanted to try it so I took it over and we had a fun time just hanging out. Davis is one funny little guy, he's not even one yet and he is climbing onto chairs and then onto the kitchen table, gets into absolutely everything and he thinks that every one is his personal jumble gym. Thanks guys for a fun evening, Oh and Jake the grass in your back yard look fabulous (Maria thinks he's abscessing about it, he's watered it three times today, but he's supposed to keep it wet right Jake. ;-)

How Do People Do It?

Warning: The following Blog Has A Pour Me Theme Read at Your Own Risk!!!!

Tonight I had my first institute class in a very long time. I'm taking The Teachings of Modern Prophets. The lesson was absolutely wonderful and I know I am going to enjoy the rest of the semester but it is the social aspect that is killing me. For those of you who don't know me, talking to people is not one of my strong points. I have a hard time having a conversation with some of my relatives, even the ones I see all the time, let alone with a perfect stranger but I am trying. I do go up to people and introduce myself and ask them questions but it seems no matter what I do, say or how hard I push myself past my shyness and be myself I just can't seem to connect with anyone. Its the same at church, during the talks and lessons I' m good but in between when people are talking and making plans to get together later on in the week I'm the one sitting by myself not talking to anyone. In relief society when a sister will get up and say what a wonderful ward it is and how everyone made her feel so welcome, I get a little sad because I've never had that happen to me. How do people do it, to go into a room full of perfect strangers and be able to get accepted like they've always been there. Some times it does make it hard to go to church or any other activities. I just wished I had that ability to make new friends that I actually go out and did things with, not just acquaintances that you talk to for a few minutes at church once a week and only if you run into them. I guess that's just one more thing I'll just have to keep working on.

What A Week

This has been a pretty buzy week. James and Treana FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!! got a home of their very own (my parents are jumping for joy). I went over there on Saturday to help paint and spent 6hrs. on the floor doing trim work, it was quit a sight, me on the floor scooting around that house. It looks very nice, white walls with a brown trim (its a lot better then the bright baby blue that they started to paint it, they will forever be in your dept mom for that much needed advice.) They are still working on the finishing touches today but we hope to start moving them in tonight. Sunday I went over to Maria and Jake's house for dinner of Hawaiian hay stacks (pot luck) and ribs, different compo but it was realy good. Sunday night I did get sick around 3:00am and stayed home on Monday (that is the only reason I will forgive the lack of an invite to Jake's birthday party at Organ Stop, I'm sure it just got lost somewhere, ya that had to be it :} LOL) Last few days I've just been trying to feel better so I can help move the little beggars :} from my parents house, pour mom is about a day behind me in the sick department so she should start feeling better day, we are quite a sorry pair can't seem to get well and stay well. Next weeks project is to clean Mom and Dad's house of the mess that two babies can make in a year and a half, please wish we luck we're going to need it.